About three months ago, when i decided that it was time to saddle up and get the hell outta Dodge, i took the precaution of booking the end of january as a holiday

I was thoroughly convinced that by now i'd've found my new luuuurve shack ... somewhere just up to the left of my own personal lucky star

As time passsed and assorted middens had been visited, evaluated and subsequently rejected, i came to realise that i just might have to get myself geared up for a mad rush where i'd be splitting my time between redecorating, visiting, redecorating, visiting, redecorating (rinse, wash, repeat three times)

Needless to say, this week hasn't gone anything like as planned

I started on Sunday afternoon with high hopes of getting it all knocked off by tea-time on tuesday

Five days later and counting - i'm still nowhere near finished :'((

Monday saw me piling up the furniture, covering up the portraits of the royal family and breaking out the paint brushes and rollers

On Tuesday, i almost get suckered into moving to the Sacré Coeur, in a nice appartment with the groovy view - i came sharply to my senses though, when the owner showed me the (shared) loos which were outside on the landing :-ô

On Wednesday, another owner explained that she'd never seen the need to fix a bit of plastic tubing to the down pipe for people who might, in an excentric pique of whimsy, wish to install a washing machine : "What on earth for ? There's a Lav'o'matic just next door, you see ?"

Yesterday, i came "this" close to signing up for a beautifully renovated, rustic looking studio, with wooden beams and old oak flooring
I really came "this" close until it struck me that the front door was a bit on the extremely poky side of narrow
So unfeasibly narrow was it, that i just couldn't imagine how on earth i'd squeeze anything past it (i know it's only a sofa, but me and Tita-nique have seen some things over these last few years)

* I'll just gloss over the story about how i arrived to visit one place, where, when i phoned the guy to say i was on site, he gleefully chirruped "Come on up, i'm on the sixth floor" ... but who, in an alzheimer moment, 'forgot' to add that he's on the sixth without a lift*

To compound things and to add to it all, my faithfull and profoundly adored companion, Lola, breathed her last breath

She was my north, my south, my east and my west
My working week and my sunday rest ...

Yup, with a tear in my eye and the release of a flurry of greatefull moths from my wallet, i've had to invest in a new laptop

T'never rains put it pours ...sometimes

Dead end ! People are livin' in dead end street ...

The week in numbers

Major planning fuckups : innumerable
Courses given by yours truly : 3
Seriously pissed off clients : 1

Minor planning fuckups : 1
Bat-shit crazy clients :1
Trainers leaving : 1
Trainers off sick : 4

N° of pizzas eaten in front of the pc whilst flat hunting : 3
N° of days 'till i move out : 7
N° of new appartment options : 0

N°, on average, of hours sleep per night this week : 5
N° of of unchewed fingers :0

N° of brown coloured and smelly creeks to go up : 1
N° of paddles to go down aforementioned creek : 0

Duffy - Rain on your parade

I'm feeling raggled, fraggled and all bedraggled

I've really had a gutfull with the hunt for a new place to live
I just don't remember it being all so fraught a few years ago

I've got my ranting head on - sorry :'(

Maybe it's the current state of affairs or perhaps it's just me, but i really do find the average landord to be either a lying old shitbag, a shyster on the make or an anal jobsworth ...

... an anal jobsworth who must've missed his vocation working in a menial job with some obscure and dull governemental department - most likely at the Ministry of Unimportant Things

Ever since that failed interview as a pizza faced, grubby, overweight 18 year old nerd, he's made it a badge of honor to make life a misery for everyone that he meets

Pffffffffffft

Why do people complicate things when life could be soooooo easy

In the U.K, when you rent a flat, you pay a month up front, shake hands then move in the next day ... if you miss a month's rent, the 'boys' come round for a late night/crack of dawn visit and then, ten days later, if the money still isn't forthcoming, you'll have been smartly cuffed and stuffed, dumped out onto the pavement on your arse - end of story

A bit radical, i agree, but the rules are the very essence of simplicity

In France and the french mentality being as it is, the owners send you a form to complete
If any boxes are left unticked : you're duly 'eliminated' from the selection process
If you refuse to pay an illegal caution of 2 to 3 months rent as a deposit : goodbye
If your pay isn't equal to 3 times the rent (a demand which is against the law here) : çiao !
If you don't have a garantor : don't call us, we'll call you

There's so much bullshit for ultimately nothing

I've taken to filling out these forms as an 'ideal' candidate, demanding a personalised visit of the miniscule midden that's up for grabs by the unwashed hoardes

Either, i honor the rendez-vous and tell the owner in a patronising tone, that it's way over-valued and that i'll pay him two thirds of the asking price and strictly no-more (you've got to chance your arm a wee bit)

Or, i'll just not show up out of spite ... especially in the quartiers that really and truly, suck dicks in hell and where the owner is evidently, seriously, taking the piss

It's amazing, by the way, what can be done to official documents with photoshop :@)

Click on the image to open it in a new window

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, " Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves!"
____________________________________

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding!"
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
____________________________________
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five!"
____________________________________

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day...When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead !

A cautionary tale for you youngsters out there ..be wary .. be aware ...

Picture this : you've just hit 'send' on a first contact message that you boldly send out across the ether, asking someone their essential measurements and the all important photo

Just like the *bleep* on an asdic set, the reply whizzes back to the in-box after an interplanetary delay of about two hours or so :

"A real catch. Nicely put together. Everything in all the right places. Many are called but few are chosen. Hurry up bébé and make me an offer that i simply caaan't refuse. Sorry, no photo because i haven't figured out how to use my new fangled 3G cell phone"

Eureka : i've crossed binary numbers with a blonde !!

Against the better judgement of friends and contrary to the advice of the daily horrorscope, we gamely fix up a meeting after work, just for a quickie, mind you, and nothing more

The excrutiating waiting in dead-time is gradually parried and whittled away by sly glances at the clock on the wall and the futile trips to the coffee machine

All the while drifting into reveries and sifting through the memory banks of what the words 'ideal', 'second best' or simply 'acceptable' really equate to

Until .. until .. the fateful horrorhour arrives

And so off we gamely trot, prepared for the best, but secretly anticipating the worst

It's an old adage that first impressions count, or even that a picture could paint a thousand words, or that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover (plus another trillion of blithe homilies) but even so ...

Whaddya do when your hopes and dreams become real ... somehow, the apparition now present and tangible just doesn't, in any way whatsoever, figure into your plans ?

Do you sort of pretext another unspecified 'thing' that's really, very ultra-important that you have to be at right now "awwww i'm soo dumb, i'm double booked, i'm soo sorry"

Or do you, humanely, after the five seconds of perception time, say "errrrr ... no" and walk away

Back to reality ...

Imagine the above situation if, when, you're up to your eyeballs with work stuff and crap and bullshit

Your holy grââââââl isn't a shapely babe, but a place to live

Somewhere where the kettle doesn't turn on when you flush the toilet
Where the lights don't go out when you try to re-heat last night's left-overs in the micro-wave
A place where gunfights, stabbings and racketeering is not that much of a common occurance

Somewhere a bit, y'know, relaxed
A bit safe
Normal

Imagine that you do indeed send out mails, just as above, asking for a minimum of info so that you know what you're letting yourself in for

The tasty blonde from "meet-me-i'm-easy" turns out to be a midden in the middle of some kind of rough looking concrete jungle where threre's nothing but boarded up store fronts and uncared for, rough looking, latchkey kids

The hot brunette is, in reality, a wasted, skanky looking hovel, where the guy from downstairs, in a drunken fog and unable to pay his bills, has recently tried to light a fire in his condemned fireplace, so setting alight to the best part of the whole building - how in the name of earth do you think you're going to rent your place at such an exhorbitant price (with a view of the sacré coeur, maybe, but it still resembles a kuckfing hovel, lady)

There's no way in hell that i'd be interested by the chestnut haired chick, who may well have room for a bit of maneouvring but her saggy, flappy, clappy kitchen cuboards just don't make me go all goosepimply all over ... well, they do, but not for the right reasons ... even if the garde froid built into the exterior wall does add a bit of olde worlde chutzpah

As for the leggy redhead .. well i'm just hoping that her two-up two-down will give me a bit of food for thought

I'm supposed to be out of here at the end of next week

Serge Gainsbourg - Le poinçonneur des Lilas

Je suis le poinçonneur des lilas
Le gars qu'on croise et qu'on ne regarde pas
Y a pas de soleil sous la terre, drôle de croisière
Pour tuer l'ennui, j'ai dans ma veste
Les extraits du Reader's Digest

Et dans ce bouquin y a ecrit
Que des gars se la coulent douce à Miami
Pendant ce temps que j'fais le zouave
Au fond de la cave
Parait qu'il y a pas de sots métiers
Moi je fais des trous dans les billets

J'fais des trous, des p'tits trous, encore des p'tits trous
Des p'tits trous, des p'tits trous, toujours des p'tits trous
Des trous de seconde classe, des trous de premiere classe.

J'fais des trous, des p'tits trous, encore des p'tits
Des p'tits trous, des p'tits trous, toujours des p'tits trous
Des petits trous, des petits trous, des petits trous, des petits trous

Je suis le poinçonneur des lilas,
Pour Invalides changer à l'Opéra,
Je vis au coeur de la planète
J'ai dans la tête un carnaval de confettis
J'en ammene jusque dans mon lit.
Et sous mon ciel de faïence
Je ne vois briller que les correspondances

Parfois je rêve, je divague, je vois des vagues
Et dans la brume au bout du quai
Je vois un bateau qui vient m'chercher

Pour sortir de ce trou, je fais des trous
Des p'tits trous, des p'tits trous, toujours des p'tits trous

Mais le bateau se taille
Et je vois que je déraille
Et je reste dans mon trou à faire des p'tits trous
Des petits trous, des petits trous, des petits trous, des petits trous

Je suis le poinçonneur des lilas,
Arts et Métiers direct par Levallois
J'en ai marre, j'en ai ma claque de ce cloaque.
Je voudrais jouer la fille de l'air
Laisser ma casquette au vestiaire.

Un jour viendra, j'en suis sur
Où je pourrai m'évader dans la nature
J'partirai sur la grand route
Et coute que coute
Et si pour moi il est plus temps
Je partirai les pieds devant.

J'fais des trous, des p'tits trous, encore des p'tits trous
Des p'tits trous, des p'tits trous, toujours des p'tits trous

Y a d'quoi devenir dingue
De quoi prendre un flingue.
S'faire un trou, un p'tit trou, un dernier p'tit trou.
Un p'tit trou, un p'tit trou, un dernier p'tit trou

Et on me mettra dans un grand trou.
Et j'n'entendrais plus parler de trous
Des petits trous, des petits trous
Des petits trous, des petits trous

Since before consummermas, i've been busy putting together a project which aims at giving people techniques for getting through interviews and job appraisal type situations

I didn't feverishly wake up one morning thinking "Hey that's a neat idea, given that there's a bit of a recession on and there are lay offs all over the place"

Far from it, it's one of those dodgy paths that i generally avoid walking along ...

... in the same way that anyone, with a bit of sense and good health insurance, wouldn't want to mix it with their mother in law's cooking - unless they're under some kind of duress, the threat of a painfull death or no sex for a month

Anyway, one of my key accounts has just been gobbled up by a bigger fish in the pond and they needed something 'bespoke' (jot that one down for further reference, kids)

As of today, the project's done and dusted, the trainers have been selected and right now i'm in the process of planning out the course which must, absolutely, finish on february 1st

As usual there is a filthy blowfly in the bowl of creamy custard : my trainers are kind of, y'know, actually already fully booked and i just can't see how we're going to find bodies to cover things whilst we 'treat' the project

My street cred risks taking a serious knocking :^o

Words of wisdom

Sex is like air
It's not important unless you aren't getting any

Don't be irreplaceable
If you can't be replaced
you can't be promoted

No one is listening
Until you fart

If at first you don't succeed
Skydiving is not for you

If you tell the truth
You don't have to remember anything

Don't worry
It only seems kinky the first time

Generally speaking
You aren't learning much when your lips are moving

Experience
Is something you don't get
Until the split second after you need it

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our asses
Things get worse thereafter

Of easy wind and downy flake ...

The surprising and uncharacteristically cold snap seems to have now left us, and with it the last dregs of seasonal goodwill

People no longer give passers-by a wide berth to allow them to walk on a salted piece of pavement : it's each to his own and too bad for the ungainly, spindly legged, people

If you start sliding towards the road, no-one is going to be offering you a helping hand

I went visiting on saturday to a beautiful town just outside of Paname - it's where i went to learn french, many moons ago - but the appartment was a wee bit too small so, with a bit of a reluctant sigh, i had to say 'no' :'(

On thursday i'm out visiting another place in the dodgy 18th district ...

On this day

Events
1431 The trial of Jean d'Arc begins
1916 The battle of Gallipoli
1951 The UN headquarters opens in New York

Deaths
2009 David Dee (british musician)
1995 Peter Cook (british comdien)
1947 Karl Mannheim (german sociologist)

Births
1908 Simone de Beauvoir
1941 Joan Baez
Me !! I'm now officially, one year older than last year :'(

This week's countdown

The number of times Marge has used the word "catastrophe" : 1000000
Hystical people that i shouldn't have signed up : 1
As ditsy as they are as gorgeous young actresses that i've met :1
Trainees that turned me into a puddle of obedience : 4 (pfffft)
__________________________________

I'm gutted - i've spent the last two years developping a company that has just been bought out

I've probably seen about fifty people of varying ages, who are all absolutely lovely, and it's like, y'know, a bit tough to find out that a few of them (maybe even quite a few) might be getting the golden bullet

So it was with a heavy heart that i went to see the RH director today to talk about what is known in France as a réclassement package : what can my WorldCorp do to help these people for the future

She's given me about 150K€ to play with ...

I also have another company that sort of fell into my lap where 20 people are up for the chop also - i should be able to make both budgets spin out to cover a year or more and leave everyone happy .. that's the idea at least

On the home front, i've still not found the appartement of my dreams. All of this despite the ungodly hours i spend replying to small ads and visiting various hovels and middens - on sunday i'm off to Montmartre

Out of the blue, on monday or tuesday night, i had a mail from an ex-trainee who's renting her place (it's a small old world) so tomorrow i'm off to St Germain en Laye

Fatboy slim - Weapon of choice

Joke 'o' the day

A guy at a conference has just spent the evening talking to a beautiful young woman at the bar of the hotel.
The guy's a real live wire, he's been cracking jokes, she's been laughing lustily and they've been getting along really well.
Then comes the crucial your room or mine moment
The guy clears his throat and says
"I've got something to tell you ..."
"You're married !" she says
"Noooo, no,way ...."
"You're a mormon !!"
"No, not at all"
"You're a republican ?" she asks worriedly
"No, heavens forbid ... it's just .. that ... well .. i ... i play golf ! I'm a golfer !! I spend sunday mornings on the the green"
"Ohhhhhhhh is that all", she says,

"That's fine with me ... i'm a hooker"
"Ahhhhhhhh", he says,

"There's a problem with your grip, you can fix it by buying a good pair of gloves ..."

Thank you Pyotr :)

BRrrrrrr

I just can't get used to the sight of snow on the ground in central Paris - it's sooo sureal

I'm not too sure if the Seine has frozen over yet, but perhaps it will do if things carry on as they are. Today felt decidedly Siberian, what with the temperature hitting -11 in the early morning

I may look a bit stranger than usual, what with being all swaddled up in two great overcoats, a psycho killer ski hat and having to adopt an ungainly penguin gait, but i can tell you that avoiding the dog turd ice floes on the already treacherous pavements has done wonders :

I've developped a nice, six-pack, abs type thing
I've got the most taughtest, pertest of an arse
And i've got nicely toned thighs to boot

Who needs sport - let me waddle on snow and ice !!

Gimme gimme gimme more snow ;@)

"Emblematical print on the South Sea Scheme"

In 1720, vast numbers of middle-class investors were tempted to make quick money through absurd speculations

The governement had sponsored the South Sea company, which put investors' funds into dubious, indeed, ridiculous projects

Corporate corruption was rife and when the bubble burst, it cost many people their savings, estates and honour

Notice the human wheel of fortune, broken and symbolizing the abandonment of values for quick money, topped by a goat and the slogan "Who'l Ride"

To the left, a winged devil with a scythe, throws chunks of Fortune's body to the grasping crowd

A Protestant, Catholic and a Jew gamble whilst Honesty is broken on the wheel of Self-Interest

In the lower right hand corner, Trade, lies starving to death

Of course, nothing like that could happen today ...

Happy New year !!

I read this morning that today is black monday (best said in a Darth Vador kind of voice) because it's the begining of the week after Consummermas, where we're, you're (nuance) getting it together after the hang over, the days are still short, the summer holidays are a millenium of days away and .... bébé, it's cooooooooooooold outside ;@)

Justement !!

For all the years that i've been here, i can only remember one time when it snowed at this time of year and even then, it was way out in the countryside and on the 31st of december, to boot

About ten of us had spent the evening eating, having a really great time (apart from the guy who kept complaining that the food just wasn't quite upto his sniffy standards) slowly and pleasurably getting drunk on champagne until finally someone said that they needed to really go outside ..

Who then came rushing back in, not even 1 nanosecond later, throwing snowballs at everyone and everything that moved (even the cats, the fucker) extatically crying "ooohh pt'aing il neige"

So, then, today, in the heart of Paname ... we've had snow !!!

A quick review of my year where i can see that i've made fewer postings than in previous years, in part because i've been completely consumed by my job - my workload increased by a third this year - flat hunting took up all of the last quarter and more than likely, a bit of 'laisser aller' has crept in...

I'm not going to go the whole hog and do a resumé of every month, instead, just a few lines about the music that sneaked up on me in '08

The first track that i associate with last year is a pissed off/rebellion/revolt song by french group Noir Desir which dates back to '92 but is still as relevent as ever "Soyons desenvolte ayant l'air de rien..."

The song got dragged up from the memory bank in January where i realised that the cost of having a humble pizza delivered cost f.i.f.t.y euros ! ... a stitch up that i repeated multiple times over the year *yup, me is that dumb sometimes*
It was also my soundtrack throughout the month of february and above all, the dark mournful month of March where i was entreatied to move upstairs and into the office next to BoyIdiot's whereupon i became aquainted to the notion that perhaps, maybe, he suffers from Aspergers

In blooming beautiful April i kicked the Amy W addiction but chose Duffy as my prefered replacement therapy.

Her hit, Mercy, was omnipresent throughout the assorted bank holidays of May (which encouraged me venture out and go to parts of Paname that i'd not naturally visit and to pick up a b.o.o.k, to boot) the 'action packed' month of June, where i managed to visit Balajo in Bretagne (who a few weeks later, had a mighty tussle with a catfish) and the very good Yurpeen footy fest You can imagine that a playlist of one track on my i-pod, on the pc at home and at work, meant that i came *that* close to losing all ofmy friends and acquaintances

After the summer holidays, or the rentrée, the french public was bombarded with 'Beggin' by Madcon : which is a bit on the negative side of fortunate, if we get a gist of what an anglo/french translation comes up with ;@)

Anyhooo ... it was the start of the new term and as usual we had the usual crop of trainers handing their notice, and, as like the current resident of the white house, i'd decided to let the owners know that i'd be outta Dodge at the end of january (although i'm sure that i won't be lifting stuff that doesn't belong to me as i skulk out into the dark shadowy night)

Aaaaand just like any other compilation album, there is always a bonus track :@)



Go to the You Tube page and the official sites for tour dates and other groovy stuff ;@)