Joke of the day

BillyBob is excited as today, for the first time in a long while, he's going bear hunting

So there he is in the forest when he sees a cute little brown bear - he draws a bead, takes aim, fires and the little bear falls over. Dead

Suddenly, BillyBob feels someone tapping him on the shoulder

He turns around and comes face to face, nose to nose with a big brown bear who says to him "You've gotta make a choice, either i beat you to death, or, i sodomise you. Which is it to be ?"

BillyBob chooses life ...

After two weeks in hospital, BillyBob is looking for revenge, so, he goes back to the forest, tracks down the bear and kills it.

He feels someone tapping him on the shoulder. Once more, a bit more worried this time, he turns around...

In front of him there stands a huge grizzly bear who says "I think you've made a terrible mistake there. I'll give you two choices, either i beat you to death or you let me have brutal sex with you, right here on the dirt floor. Which is it to be ?"

Once again, BillyBob chooses life ...

During his three months in and out of intensive care, his antibiotic treatment and his re-education therapy, BillyBob thinks all about how he can get his revenge on the big grizzly

Once he leaves hospital, he goes on holiday, back to the forest and starts looking for his nemesis. Finally, after weeks and weeks of hiking, he finds the big grizzly and kills it

He breathes a sigh of relief and is about to take a slug of whisky when, suddenly, someone taps him on the shoulder ...

It's a huge polar bear who looks at him and says "Let's be honest BillyBob, you don't really just come here to hunt, do you ..."

Cheers Balaj ;@)

Ok girls, you've been a lookin' high and low for mistah right. you've written of the mammys boy, the commitophobe and that one guy who's still going through his adulescent trip ...

"Whaddo i have to do to meet HIM" you're thinking as you're sitting at home, eating ice cream watching re-runs of Law and Order

Alternatively, you could be married to one of these hunky chunks







Mieux vaut être seule que mal accompagné, donc ;@)

The final extract from "Disorder in the american court of law"

LAWYER: ALL your answers MUST be oral, OK ? Which school did you go to ?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________
LAWYER: Do you remember the the at which you examined the body ?
WITNESS: The autopsy started at about 8.30
LAWYER: And Mr Denton had already died at that hour ?
WITNESS: Well, he was when i'd finished.
____________________________
LAWYER: Are you qualified to take urine samples ?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to pose that question ?
____________________________
LAWYER: Doctor, before carrying out the autopsie, had you checked for a pulse ?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check the blood pressure ?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for any signs of breathing ?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, is it at all possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you really be sure, Doctor ?
WITNESS: Because his brain was in a little jar on my desk.
LAWYER: I see. But, couldn't the patient have been, anyway, still alive ?
WITNESS: Yes, It's possible that he was still alive and was still carrying out his job as a lawyer.

We're towards the end of the first quarter and i just can't, for the life of me, see a light at the end of my own particular tunnel

Since november last year, i've been involved with a handfull of clients who're being hit head-on, big time, by a drop in business and who, as a consequence, are having to lay people off

I'm not 'assigned' to a specific type of client to work with. Over the years i've somehow managed to build a roster of various companies (i work with major investment banking companies, record lables, broadcasters ... Ally McBeal type law firms ... governement agencies ... whatever )

All in all, so far this year, i have about 400 trainees to evaluate and who will ultimately need to have bespoke outplacement programs made for them

For the whole of last year i had 736 trainees to manage and to worry about

I should be happy *woohooooo* to think that i'll be making money out of all of this, but deep, deep down, it troubles me

Aaaand ahhhhh aieeee ahhhh will only luuuvv youooo oo ooo

One for the ladies, then,those searching in vain for 'The One' : the gentleman who'll pull out a chair in a restaurant, open the door or even hail a taxi on a rain sodden night to whisk you away instead of pretexting a walk home and a last coffee ...

Feast your eyes on the best of what marriage has in store foryou :@)

The second extract from 'Disorder in the american court of law' ...

LAWYER: So, then, the date of (the baby's) conception is the 8th ?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that moment?
WITNESS: I was fucking.
________________________

LAWYER: She had three children, is that right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many of them were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: How many of them were girls?
WITNESS: You honour the judge, I think i need another lawyer. Can i have another lawyer please?
________________________
LAWYER: How did your first marriage end?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And, by whose death did it end?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________
LAWYER: Could you describe the individual?
WITNESS:Of an average height, with a beard.
LAWYER: Was it a man or a woman?
WITNESS: Unless there was a circus in town, i'd say a a man.
________________________

LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you carried out on dead people?
TÉMOIN: All of them. The living tend to put up a fight.

So, there i was then, saying how run down, drained and plain shagged out i'm feeling when the list with the number of paid holidays left to take arrived on my desk ...

I've got 15 whole days to use before the 19th of june ;@)

I should, by rights, be as happy as the proverbial cat that's just had the cream

What bugs me though, is that whenever i take time off, my invoicing gets shot to hell and i can guarantee that there'll be a shitstorm of dumbass stupid stuff waiting for me when i get back

In a normal company, when you've not taken all of your holiday, allowance, you get paid for it

Whereas in a rip-off, shyster company *ahem* you lose it ...

The weather's still holding out, still no sign of the lundi sein for the moment

I can sense though that the full moon is just around the corner as its influence is already making presence felt on the nuttier people of my little world ...

Such as :
The trainee who complained that she didn't work with her alloted trainer on monday but saw him today and that the one she should have seen on friday, she got to see him on monday and if she doesn't see her trainer on friday ... well, she'll probably come in with a nicely sharpened axe to show me who's boss

I bumped into a nymphomaniac ex-trainee yesterday morning who promised/threatened to come back for a visit in the next few weeks ...

BoyIdiot - who's not not hanging up his twinkling spurs any day soon, celebrated St Patrick's day yesterday in a typically very understated fashion :
*Out* went his obscenely flourescent green, nausia inducing, shamrock 'lucky' tie
*In* came a bucket sized, shamrock decorated mug, filled to overbrimming with nocuous, E numbered, minty smelling tea which he slopped over all and sundry as he scootled his way around the place

FlappyFluffyTheBoss doesn't know where to put his head - out of kidness i didn't sugest a pot of boiling water, but i did make (all too) oblique references to a certain South Park episode about hiring five tons of sand

Marge has taken a day off, which gave a bit respite to everyone

TheGorgone and the WickedWitch are at logger heads as to who has the better grasp of the new organising thingymmajig system ... for the moment it's still the deaf leading the blind over a cliff with sharp tipped pointy things at the bottom

One for the Girls

Perhaps you've seen them at parties or just bumped into them at the local store, maybe you've only dreamed about them.

Here, for your delectation are ...

Wait for it ...

The dream husbands !!!

What follows is an extract from a book called 'Disorder in the american court of law' and all examples are dictated from real case notes ...

LAWYER : What was the first thing that your husband said to you on that fateful morning ?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am i, Cathy?'
LAWYER : And why did that displease you ?
WITNESS: Because i'm called Susan !
_________________________

LAWYER: Are you sexually active ?
WITNESS: No, I'd describe my self as being passive
_________________________
LAWYER: Does this grave myasthenie, affect your memory in any way?
WITNESS: Yes, it does
LAWYER: And in what way does it affect your memory ?
WITNESS: I forget
LAWYER: You forget ? Could you give us an example of something that you've forgotten ?
_________________________
LAWYER: Docteur, isn't it true that when someone dies in their sleep, they don't know about it until the next morning ?
WITNESS: Have you really passed the Bar ?
____________________________________
LAWYER: The youngest boy, the twenty year-old, how old was he?
WITNESS: Twenty, the same as your QI
____________________________ ______ _________
LAWYER: Were you present when your photograph was taken ?
WITNESS: Are you trying to get a rise outta me ?

Turn, turn, turn ...

We've had three consecutive days of gorgeous, glorious sunshine here with temperatures hitting the lofty heights of 15°

Even so, there is still be a bit of a chill to the morning air with just a hint of low lying mist over in the park oposite to where i (still) live

As i was traipsing my way to work this morning, i spied the first few leaves tentatively budding into life on the trees all the way along the Champs Elysées

Is is spring finally starting to be ... y'know ... sprung ?

More's to the point, on what day will the lundi sein fall this year ?

We're a long time gone .....

It's been an age since i've been able to sit down and do anything other than look for/reply to housing offers

My work load hasn't changed one iota despite the 'crisis' - part of me wonders if it's all not just an urban myth

Right now, i'm up to the waistline of my non Calvin Clein boxer shorts setting up courses for another 40 odd people

Marge, FluffyTheBoss, TheGorgone and BoyIdiot are having fits of appoplexy over the all new, re-fandangoed computerised organisation 'thing' which, amongst other delights, alows us to follow trainees' progess in real time and see who is in the toilet at any given moment

I'm all for it, but ... well, let's just say that i don't help much by saying things like "So, whaddya think about this NEW system ?" or "how're you getting on with the NEW trainer availability forecast ?" and "Have you seen how, with this NEW thing, i can just click *here* and watch ...."

Salt, into fresh wounds, rubbing ... me ? nooooo never ;@)

I've had some news from the ex-MissusBossWoman this week : she's gone back to Rome

Apparently, our WorldCorp (the bunch of swindling thieves that they are) had forced her to resign from WorldCorp France so that she'd be free to work as part of WorldCorp Russia ... only WorldCorp Russia are so piss poorly organised that nothing exists

In Moscow, WorldCorp = a hole in the ground and nothing more

So she kicked up a stink and has been 're-recruited' by the italien wing of the empire

I work for a bunch of shysters