It's been one of those hot and torrid days that saps your mind, body and soul if your unlucky enough to be working for a WorldCorp like mine

I've been through this wild eyed and sweaty armpitted rant before, i know, but i just don't get it : we have a crappped out air conditioning system that conditions nothing at all

Every year it's the same - we all know that it chills us to the bone in winter and wouldn't be out of place in a crematorium in the summer

Yet, not one of the 'deciders' kind of, y'know, decides to think about getting it fixed before time ... they all tut-tut that the thing doesn't work, they humm and ahh about how, when and who'll fix it

The truth of it though, is that as long as they can shoot off on holiday and not have to worry about people keeling over like a sack of potatoes , they really. don't. care.

How depressing it is the, to realise that your boss is incapable of organising a knock up in a knocking shop :(

(sick) Joke 'o' the day

Merci Balaj ;)

As usual, a joke in the worstest most possible of taste...

One day, a young somalian boy decides that he's had enough of the poverty, the famine and the squalour of his country and decides to head off to yurp ...

Not knowing what to do or where to turn, he talks to the older boys in his village about the best way of fulfilling his dream

"Hire a camel to carry you across the desert", says the first one

'Take a boat", says the second

"A camel will cost you your sister in marriage and getting on a boat is tantamount to slavery ... i should swim there, if i were you", said the village elder

Finally, after struggling with his conscience, he decides to swim his way to Europe

And so, one fine day, he dives into the indian ocean, swims around the cape horn, makes it up the persian gulf and finds himself in the entry to the Suez canal

Three weeks of non-stop swimming later, he's at the entry to the mediterranean sea : i'm almost there, he thinks

After another three weeks of relentless swimming, he arrives, completely exhausted and 30 kilos lighter, on the beach at Saint Tropez ...

From his viewpoint he can see 20 or so young children mingling about on the beach accompanied by a middle aged woman

As he approaches, dehydrated and litterally dying of hunger, he sees that the woman has her arms full of buscuits, cakes and chocolates - a sight to be truly beholden ...

As he approaches, he can hear her saying :

"O.k childen, who hasn't eaten yet ??"

Amazed and bewildered at the sight of the goodies on offer, he raises his arm and cries out :

"ME ME ME ME ME ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Very good", says the school mistress,

"You can go for a swim"

What with all my comings and goings, i hadn't twigged that there'd been a distinct dearth of BoyIdiot highjinks over the last ten days or so

At WorldCorp this morning, however, he was faffing around the photocopier - he'd obviously started to copy something, realised that he'd forgotten the half of it in his office, slapped his forehead and with one leg ostentatiously raised upwards and outwards, he hotfootshufflety-hopped off to find whatever was missing

As it is, at the best of times, BoyIdiot lollops around the office like an undainty and ungainly, cartoonesque, hippopotoballerina, but today, well ... let's just say that he gave a really good impression of someone auditioning for the ministry of silly walks

Anyhow, in an attempt to make a short story longer, what had happened was this :

BI took last week off thinking that he'd make the most of the fine weather and 'get fit'

On his first day, the Saturday, a week after avidly following the french open, he trotted over to the tennis courts. Less than 20 minutes later (apparently) he was on the ground writhing around waiting for an ambulance to take him home - he'd trapped a sciatic nerve whilst reaching out for *that* ball which was just *this* much too far away from him and his short hairy legs just couldn't slide him there

On the Thursday he went to see somone who fiddled about with him and suggested that tennis "might be a wee bit too strenuous" and that perhaps he might like to take up something a bit more genteel like swimming, instead

Last Saturday : BI goes to his local swimming pool and picks up a dose of foot clap

According to my mole, BI now has an angry looking, multicoloured pus filled abonination of a boil type affair going on under the arch of his foot

Perhaps he should take up origami, with the proviso that he only uses plastic sissors ...

Mmmm on second thoughts, maybe not aie aie aie ouille i've got paper cuts over all me fingers

If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain

Now that the dust has settled, i'm going to try to be a bit more regular ...

A few eeks ago, my pocket p.c managed to catch some kind of virus that's been doing the rounds, which meant that spammy type, unwarrented messages were sent out to all and sundry on my contact list, y'know, people that you kind of avoid/forget about

All of which resulted in goodish things happening and me catching up with long lost friends and aquaintences

The moral of the story here, then, kiddies, is that not all infections are a bad thing :)

On the work front : my WorldCorp is having a very hard time of things and as a consequent, we've all been ÖRDERED to get the un-paid bills in - or else

I'm not too sure what or else entails and i'm not willing to find out, so as the good (and deeply unmotivated) soldier that i am, i've been spending time on the phone debt collecting

All is not grim at the pit face, however, as tomorrow i'm out visiting a client in the fashion industry who needs a bit help - i'm looking immensely forward to meeting up with "A" who send me into a fantasmogorique dream world every time she calls me up and starts to roucoule over the phone ...

Pavement art

Crap joke spotte

Bob : "My dog Minton keeps eating all my shuttlecocks."
Dave :"Bad Minton!"

Two men go past each other whilst taking their dogs for a walk in the graveyard. The first one says "Morning" and the other one replies "No, just walking the dog"

Why should you never buy Russian underpants ? - Chernobyl fallout

What do you call a pig with three eyes? - a Piiig!

What do you call a judge with no thumbs ? - Justice Fingers

Stevie Wonder gets a cheese grater for Christmas and a friend calls him to ask if he liked it. Stevie says, "Man, that was the most violent book I ever read"

I'd completely forgotten what it's like to live somewhere peacefuly quiet and still

Two and a half years of living in the french equivalent to the Gaza strip lobotomises you and makes important parts of you shut down ...

Right now, i've got the windows wide open, i've no music playing, no radio, no television : just the last rays of glorious golden sunshine pouring in and the twittering of birdies to keep me company

Wonderful !

As yet, i've only met one neighbour in my block

Well, 'met' is pushing it a bit really - she held the door open for me one morning .

I just couldn't, for the life of me, make out if she smiled, grimaced or was having a bout of indigestion (which is a bit of downer given that she's my type ...)

However, i do get to hear my neighbours

Notably the fat guy at the end of the block who twangs the same three notes on his guitar, scrapes away at twinkle,twinkle little star on his violin for hours on end or puffs away at the Last Post on his cornet

There's also another couple who are so in love that they holler endearing sweet nothings to each other at nightfall : 'you lazy bastard' and 'you fucking whore' and 'go back to your mother, you heap of shit'

It's all soooooo luvverly and genteel :p

On the work front, it's pretty much the same old story

Although my WorldCorp is feeling the effects of la crise, i have to say that i'm still as busy as ever

I don't know why, but it always feels as though it's muggins who gets the pain in the arse projects whilst BoyIdiot, FluffyTheBoss and *BonàRien sit around twiddling their atrophied thumbs all day

Despite everything, these so called pain in the arse projects do indeed bring me a ton of money at the end of the month - if i'm honest, i've never, ever, been so well paid by a such a skinflint company in all the time that i've been with them... so i really shouldn't moan too much ;@)

*BonàRien is the newest recruit - 'new' in the sense that she's been with us for slightly more than a year - who was trained by BoyIdiot and has, unsurprisingly inevitably, acquired the reverse Midas touch : everything she touches turns to shti