This tooooooown is comin' like a ghost town ....

Cor blimey, i got into work this morning to discover that the place hadn't been unexpectedly quarantined, but transformed ...

Transformed into a fiesta of orange and black tinsel

Imagine what would've happened if Quentin Crisp had met Karl Lagerfeld :

Karl : I vant haloveen to be heppy, i vont to see happy fesses who lite up, not ze glum, gotic depresedness offf otum, i vont lite to be let to ze darkness, i vont zelebration, i vont blick to be replaceted wiff wyte

Quentin : Leave it all to me my little darlin'

And *hop* as if my magic, my humdrum corner of WorldCorp has been turned into a strange, hybrid mix, of a filthy minded Santa's grotto crossed with Dante's inferno and revisited by Babara Cartland ...

I know, very difficult to imagine, but ... that's where it's at

Phrase du jour qui tue :

"Bahhn oui ehh, je prends ma journée demain. Parce que moi, je fais partie de ceux qui on reservé leur billet pour le premier jour de 'Zis Is zit'. Une heure, cinquante quatre minutes de bonheur"

Bien entendu, ça vient du BoyIdiot

The Art of Noise - Paranoimia

Paranoimia ... bis

About ten days ago or so, we were delivered enough 'pig flu' sanitary containers, (replete with their regulatory hospital-white bin liners and bio hazard symbols) to keep a small, banana republic sized army occupied until doomsday

Then, last week, we took delivery of antiseptic sheepdip that we're supposed to use before and after we've shaken hands or had any bodily, non biblical contact what-so-ever, with people of any persuasion

BoyIdiot needs to take an ice cold shower in the stuff, but i'll leave that observation where it is ..

Cue, then, a highly alcoholic odeur that permeates the whole building ...

.. and a slew of trainers who have all developed heavy flu-like symptoms

Psychosomatic illness anyone ?

French nerds

K. dit : Oh putain
K. dit : J'ai de nouvelles lunettes
K. dit : J'ai l'impression d'être passé à la HD
________________
shmo : bon, jtexplique. tu prends un objet, par exemple un string. ensuite tu fous ton paquet dedans. à partir de là ton paquet est referencé.
not : ok, et il est protégeé ?
shmo : non, tous ceux qui ont le même string peuvent y avoir accès. il faut que tu le dise privé.
not : ok. et si je veux lier mon paquet à d'autres trucs, je fais comment ?
plouc : euh... vous parlez de quoi, là, les mecs ?
shmo : de Java, pk ?
plouc : non, rien...
__________________
Potemkin dit : putain... 97, c'était il y a 12 ans
Potemkin dit : oO
Potemkin dit : *coup de vieux*
Archo. dit : *esquive*
__________________
MisterFly: Dis, c'est quoi ton genre de nana ?
Carwash: Bah au point où j'en suis..
Carwash: Je dirais : vivante
___________________
Xi: Mort de rire! En anglais, le prof me demande de traduire "Ma belle-mère ne peut pas venir manger ce soir."
Xi: J'en avais aucune idée, alors j'ai mis "YEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"
Xi: Il m'a mis un demi point^^
____________________

Yoann : ptin jviens dapprendre la mort de ma grande mère...
Fab' : oh jsuis désolé
Yoann : ben moi aussi
Yoann : j'aimerais quand même bien savoir c'était l'enterrement de qui ya 6 mois
_____________________

Jeremie : La loose
Maxime : ?
Jeremie : Ma mère vient de tomber sur ma trousse à maquillage.
Maxime : Et alors ?
Jeremie : Sa première question a été de me demander de quand datait ma dernière copine. J'ai pas répondu. Donc elle m'a demandé si j'étais gay ><>Cheers Balaj ;)

Ad-tistique license

Fcku tish kwan bollox - c'est rélous

Whilst checking the on-line progress of my offer to tender for the french gouvernement, i stumblebutted onto another one which could, kinda, maybe, also be for us (me)

Fluffy's boss (Mr Bean) said "pfffftf ... they never go in our favour'

Me said " why not"

Mr Bean : "because we're too expensive as they go through a tiers payer .."

Me "ahh haa .. and ?"

Mr Bean "Voila, c'est tout"

I'm not one for fine print but i am a reader ...i pulled the file and discovered that the priorities are pricing, adaptibility and suivi(things that i pride my-self on)

Tomorrow, i'm gonna have to convince Fluffy's boss that maybe we can pull in a contract worth 250K€

I just know that he'll say NO

Risking a 'blam' i'm going to attempt a 'thing' tomorrow but given the current paranoia, i'm well aware that i could be sacked for 'faute grave'

Pourtant WorldCorp est en perte ... essaye-t-on à faire couler la boite ? ... ça craint

The joy of six ..... post coital commentaries

"I gotta go for a pee" (or take a dump)
Geeeee, thank you !! So, then, for the last hour or so, you've been desperately holding it all in !?! All becomes evident

"It's allllll damp on my side"
And ?

" Phouaaar, what did you eat tonight ?"
You can't talk, i know what you've just been eating

"And ....????"
*crickets* I thought Angie looked really good tonight, all things considered"

"Shiiiiiiiiiit, i forgot to take my pill this morning"
GO TAKE IT NOW,NOW, NOW, NOW

"But i thought you said you had a rubber ?"
"I did"
"Welllllll ........."°_O

Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro

Money, its a crime...share it fairly but dont take a slice of my pie

Things are a bit heavy at work right now for different reasons

Firstly, and somewhat evidently, i'm still in the middle of my debt collecting which leaves me little time for much else

Fluffy's boss came in today for an un announced flying visit : so unannounced, that Fluffy was 'out' and i was the only body in the office (ooer, i thought)

"How's things ? What're the figures like ? What've you been upto ?"

(oooooo fuck)

" Euhhhh .... hang on, we'll check the figures together"

I got into our tracking system and hit F2 and F3 (i didn't get 'A' levels in computer programming for nothing i joke) and .....

.... fuck me blind, i thought: Fluffster has billed the equivalent of one training course at a rebate, BoyEejit is on minus figures, BonneARien has billed half as much as Fluffy

Right now, i'm the only one who's almost keeping our corner of WorldCorp a-float...

oooo double fuck, i'm thinking

'Hmmm' said the flaxen haired emissary from IvoryTowers

'And your own projection for the month ? '

'Bahhhn .. we're halfway through, we've got a day's less trade than last year ... i'm aiming to add on another 50K€"

"Hmmm" says Rapunzel, ominously "D'you have anything in the pipeline ?"

"In fact, actually ...."

" In fact, actually ....."
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A quick flash back to my week so far

Two very early starts and late finishes : yesterday out interviewing people, back to the office at about two in the afternoon, financial proposal made out (which was just a formality as the deal had already been done and dusted) and invoiced at the same time

Today (which was, at first glance, easy peasy) : a quick hit with three interviews, a feedback session and an exposé as to how WorldCorp (me) could intervene - i finished up seeing a group of head honchos who wanted to know if/how we/i could 'invent' something just for them .... euhh ... *scritt scritt scritt* :'oui', i stupidly replied ...

Back to the office this afternoon, only to find another offer to tender waiting for me (noooooooooooooooo, fuck meeeeeeeeeeeee), this time for a major retailer - why do these people ask for me by name ?

My 50K€ is already there

Next monday i should get a result from the biggie (90K€)

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of stupid (part II)

An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
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A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
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A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
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I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
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Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
_____________________________________
Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
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A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

Ad-tistique license

I like coffee and i like tea ...

I'm in for another tough (six day) week : out for the next two days 'representing' WorldCorp, Thursday is the BadPayers meeting with Fluffy and his boss (the guy who gave me pay rise last year) and Friday is going to be mea culpa day for all the stuff i just know i won't get through this week ...

A recent highlight, from the end of last week though, is that after months of looking, i finally adopted a new cat !

I'm smitten by a mixed race (Birman/Siamese) two year old female who's very cuddly and is much more prettier than the photo below suggets

Hello Capucine

The joy of six ... film scene background music

In no particular order, just scenes that spring to mind in a free asociation kinda stylie

My immediate thought was anything by Quentin Tarantino, maybe with the exception of Kill Bill and Inglorious ... he's always had top notch music in his films which could range from oldies dating back to his formative years to others that have stayed, un-tapped, in our collective concscious. But where to start ?

How about this : Spinners wheel and stuck in the middle from Reservoir dogs where in one classic scene we learn all there is to know about the badness of Michael Madson ?

Off on a tangent, who'd a thunk it, given the ambient freedom fries and no to foie gras mood of the time, that we'd see the unlikely teaming up of a little known french music duo (Air) with a 'daughter of' film director (Sophia) to produce a truly brilliant film Virgin suicides

Back to earth with a (british) comedy, which was miles away from the bog standard and god awful Hugh Grant-meets-Andie Macdowal-but-never-quite-beds-her affair.
How about if i suggested Guy Ritchie ?
Again, i could choose from any of his films, but the scene that sums up Snatch is the coursing scene - will the hound get the hare, and if so will Brad Pitt get the caravan for his ma ? (if you've not seen the film, go and rent it forth with : you won't be regret it)

Over to the states, with another film that i really do think will stand out as a classic with it's perfect castng, an excellent subtext and the penultimate scene from American beauty where the mid-life crisis addled hero (Kevin Spacy) thinks he's finally going to make home base. Annie Lennox has 'that' voice.

A roll call of actors, including Patrick Swayze in an unsavoury role ? A disturbed adolescent seeing big bunny rabits ? An airplane reactor ripping through the roof of a suburbian house ?? WTF ?? All becomes more or less clear at the end of Donnie Darko where Gary Jules updates the Tears for Fears classic 'Mad world'

Finally, we come to a Tom Cruise film.
I never have been and probably never will be a fan. But i have to admit that he was good ... okay, very good in Magnolia That being said, i really think that Philip Hoffman is highly underrated and deserves some kind of recognition

Stone the crows and *fuck me sideways, as they say ...

WorldCorp has gone into full blown flu alert of the pig/chicken/donkey variety

Today, we were delivered with three dozen, highly conspicuous and hospitaly looking, white disposal bins for ditching used and scummy old snot rags

As far as i know, nobody has actually gone down with the plague, but it seems that the powers that be in VeryTwotsfromRio (IvoryTowers) are playing it safe and have invested our end-of-year bonus in Armageddon army surplus stuff

We're still waiting for the special hand wash cream that must be kept upon our person 'at all time', under pain of ostracism or at worst, tea making duty until quarantine has been decreed over

Aaaaand, we're all going to have our own private stock of face masks : my demand for a ÜS special forces GBW model (in air force camoflage colours) has so far recieved a stony silence from the HR department

It's also been deemed inacceptable to indulge in the highly suspect ritual of doing the 'bises' in the morning (the idiot one'll be snookered there, then) whereas the idea of shaking hands being strictly verboten has yet to be taken up

Interestingly enough, no word has been said about being vaccinated - neither up the nose nor in any other bodily cavity

Hopefully FluffyTheBoss won't be deputised for that ungreatful chore, although BoyIdiot could very well volonteer for the very suspect pleasure

We're pretty much set for the sky to fall on our heads

*Or any ways, i says :p

Ad-tistique license

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
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I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown.

I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.
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A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.

I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
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I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
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An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .

I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

I don't like Mondays ...

BoyIdiot returned from his holidays today and has done nothing apart from dishing out the bises to all and sundry, noisily slurping his lemon tea and ... well .. . counting his fingers, i guess (there's been no billing action from his part of WorldCorp)

It's all to be expected though, because the first productive thing he did do when he arrived was to slap down a new holiday chit for another week off starting from next monday

FluffyTheBoss couldn't really say anything as he did specify, at the start of the summer season, that that only people who had kids could take three weeks off on the trot.

He didn't fugure that BI would literally take him at his word

Classe !



Merci Balaj ;)

The joy of six .....one hit wonders

I would say that a 'one hit wonder' is any group or artist that manages to make a mark on the collective conscience thanks to that 'one' record that comes out at a very particular period - 4 Non blondes for example

Some artists pierced, then sank without a trace. Others managed to live and prosper from it.

After all, it's often been said that everyone's got a book inside of them, screaming to get out, so why not aply the same logic to a pop record ?

Others have a song, a song that just goes on giving.

Take Patrick Hernandez's Born to be alive, who won the eurovision song contest for ireland at the end of the seventies and who subsequently disappeared from concsiousness.

Believe it or not, in France right now, he's still hot stuff and often appears on t.v, gives concerts and is still raking in the royalties: all thanks to that one song

We all grew up with The Buggles who presciently helped launch MTV, then volatilised without leaving a trace.

Who'd a thunk it that the mastermind behind 'ohh a oooh' would continue to produce the biggest names in the industry ... come on down Trevor Horn !

Forget the eighties and it's string of aspiring wannabees who unabashedly made us wobble our unsuspecting butts - we should've known better ...

Think about the complete and utter unadorned dross that was Milli Vanilli, Falco or even the rigid Dr Alban (pineapple haircut and plastic catsuit anyone !?!)

Nahhhn, i'm thinking about real one hit wonders, the people where you think whouarrr what happened to those guys :

1) Layla - Derek and the dominos Surprisingly, it's hard to believe n'est ce pas, that this little gem was never bettered by the group. Admittedly, it was an excursion from Cream for Eric Clapton who even upped the ante with a beautiful blues version in the 90's

2) They Might be Giants - Birdhouse in your soul have a cult following and for my money are highly under-rated whimsical wordsmiths, but surprisingly, have only had one hit to date

3) Nena - 99 red balloons another one that had us pogoing at the school disco after a few shots of orange juice punch laced with illicite rum, whisky, gin, vodka, agricultural alcohol ..photocopier fluid ...romanian anti-freeze .. whatever we could get our grubby hands on

4) Toni Basil - Hey Mickey phouarrrrr, brings back fond memories of a poster that i had on my bedroom wall of Herself, more fruity than Shakira bags more sexy than alll the pooosycat dolls in a hesian sack :^*
"oh mickey what a pity you don't understand, you take me by the heart when you take me by the hand"

5) Edie Brickell & New bohemians I once went out with a girl who was the sosie of Edie B. .. boy was i lucky

6) Blind Melon - No rain This may have been a one hit wonder but it's never far from my i-pod play list. What a waste when one thinks about the lead singer

* Arguably, there are many others missing, but i just wanted to include artists that only made it once and who i could feasibly listen to infront of polite company ;)