Il est 5 heures ...

So, then, D-day minus one

The gossip machine in WorldCorp has gone into overdrive

Everyone and his dog wants to know :
Where is Fuffy?
How is it that Fuff isn't going to to the AGM ?
What's the Fuffster up to !?!

I've been fielding calls all day

Even our head trainers have been grumbling into their gruel :
Fluffalini could've shortened his week off and turned up unexpected
(me: yeah, right ... do you get to see many flying pigs in your part of the world ??)

I can't say that i'm 'dreading' two days of being in the stocks, because it's not as though i have anything to answer for

What does bug me though, is that as the 'senior representative' (pouahahhahah) of the microcosme of my bit of WC, i'm at risk of taking a bit of flak ...

If i don't want to go down with the Titanic, i'm going to have to talk to G.O.D about moving on...

Ca craint

:/

Why ...

Pourquoi dit-on que ....

"Le jeu n'en vaut pas la chandelle" ?



Cette expression signifie que l'enjeu n'en vaut pas la peine.

Jusqu'au 18e siècle, les théâtres étaitaient éclairés à la chandelle.

Parfois, il fallait des milliers de chandelles par soirée, ce qui représentait une somme colossale à l'époque.

Si les bénéfices rapportés par la représentation n'étaient pas suffisants, ils ne couvraient même pas le prix des chandelles.

Donc, d'où l'expression :@)

Je fais des trous, fais des trous , je fais des p'tits trous ...

What with the AGM due to take place this coming Friday and Saturday (yikes), i'm dibbs in for two six day weeks on the trot

Pfffttt

I can't say that i'm looking forwards to seing the head honchos in casual wear ... they'll all probably turn up in jeans and jesus boots

Funnily enough, there'll be one absence that'll stick out like a sore thumb : Fluffffffy !

Hé oui !

The roooo-meur floating around is that he doesn't want to have to face up to the music and give an account as to wassup with our office

All the more-so if individual sales perfs are shown before all and sundry

Click on the image to read

Well i wonder ...

For years now, we've been looking to move out of our offices
and this or many reasons

The rent is sky high,
The owners don't look after the premises :
No climatisation in the summer,
Bad heating in the winter and ...
flooding when it rains

Also, because we're not conforming to certain 'norms'
We make no allowances for physically challenged people
as but one example

FloweryTwats HQ tasked someone to find us a new abode
and, well, let's be honest, much unlike the goldilocks theory
or even the Midas touch in reverse
he only bumbled his way into buildings that were either
'too much this', 'not enough that'
but were certainly nowhere near
'just right'

In sum : a hare brained, wild goose chase of a waste of time

Why do i think of this ?

Because ....

I spent time today going over our sales results
(the 'why bother' is for later)
and realised that Fluffy has been on a downhill slide
and this, pretty much ever since he took over from MissusBossWoman

Then i got to thinking and came up with a few ideas :

Idea 1)
Perhaps he's just generally useless :
A bit of an old chancer
Who's managed to blag his way around thus far
But is starting to be found out

Hence the major freak-out last week

Idea 2)
He read the 'How to be a Manager for idiots' book at christmas.
But skipped the chapters covering :
'Leading by example',
'Monitoring only that which is worth mointoring',
'Setting attainable and realistic goals'

but did, however, attentively read the one about
'delegating' ...

Boy, he must have read and re-read that one
Perhaps it's his piece of loo reading material of choice

Whatever the case,
All of it has come back to painfully bite him on the arse

Hence the major freak-out last week

Idea c)
He's a stooge :
He's been sent in to do
what the bumblefuck from IvoryTowers can't

If we're unable to relocate,
then what the hell,
let's close down

No need to move, then, as the office has now become unviable
Once closed down, HQ can offer employees the choice of :
redundancy or moving to a new office

An office at an unfeasibly long distance away from home
'What the hey, they've signed off on the mobility clause'

Perhaps i've been unwittingly carrying on as normal
and have proven that ...

Holy shit batman
We can actually do good business here !!!

Hence last weeks' mega freak-out

Hmm

Why ...

...do we count points in tennis 15, 30 & 40 ?



The way of counting points in tennis dates back to the 'Jeu de Paume' where players hit the ball with their palm or paume

This french game, much played during the 16th and 17th centuries, is the ancester of 'english tennis' created in the 19th century (Tennis being a corruption of the french word tenez, pronounced by the serving payer)

In the Jeu de paume, the player marking the point would have the right to advance by fifteen paces towards the net (15, 30, 45, 60 paces starting from the baseline), the winner being the first to reach the net

'40' supplanted '45' as it was deemed easier to pronounce

'Advantage' was called when both players were at 40 paces each from the baseline and the advatage consisted of 5 extra paces

Like, totally, .. like, oh my gaaad ... like, no-way ...

Fluffy had a big-time total meltdown and general freak out session in the office this afternoon

As in, really, really b.a.d and so un professionnal

Perhaps because today, according to the Grauniad, is blue monday or perhaps it's in anticipation of it

Whatever ...

The crux of it though, is that he'd called us (me and BonneàRien) in for a 'team meeting'

Evidently, just as west is west and east is east, 'team' and 'meeting' just don't coincide in the same phrase where i go to earn a crust

'Team' being a closely knit set of individuals with a common set of goals
'Meeting' being an exchange of ideas to the common good

Anyhoooo, he'd sent us both a mail at the start of the day, saying 'bring the bollockgrinder document'

So in a spirit of misplaced efficiency i mailed it accross to him
Bonneàrien didn't bring hers

An apocalyptic erreur for both of us

For when it became apparent that no "bollockgrinder doc" was physically before his rhumy eyes and under his sweaty hand he went on a rant of jaw dropping proportions

First off it started with "I ASKED FOR IT TO BE PRINTED. PRINT-ED"

Then, in one breath :

"I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT !!
I SEND YOU A MAIL, AND YOU DON'T. EVEN. FUCKING. READ. IT.
DO YOU BOTH HAVE TROUBLE READING ?
DO YOU , DO YOU, DO YOU ?
ARE YOU BOTH STUPID, OR JUST WEAK ON COMPREHENSION ?
FORGOTTEN YOUR MOTHER TONGUE ?
MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE IT IN AN-OTH-ER LANGUAGE SO THAT YOU HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE FOR A TRAAANS-LATION.
THAT WAY YOU MIGHT, MAY-BE, JUST POSS-IB-LY UNDER-STAND.
YOU KNOW WHAT ??
IT'S LIKE YOU IGNORE MY MAILS.
READ AND DELETE, IS THAT IT ?
EH EH EH ?
IT'S AS IF YOU GO
(by this time, flicking the bird with both hands at his screen and going 'naaah naaaaahnaaaah')
D'YOU YOU SEEEEEEEE"

8-ô
Blimey ....

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

For years, i've managed to 'abstract' from being a year older :

"Whaddya want for your bir-th-day ?"
"Nothing ...
not today ...
it's all an untruth ..
i was born on a 29th of february"

"Mais non, mais ....."

"No, really,
.. it just didn't happen"

No-one wants to be reminded that they're a year nearer to hell
(oi baint be goin' to hebben, fer shure)

Nor to think that they've wasted another godforsaken year
doing a godforsaken job that they don't want to do,
surrounded with people that they don't want to be with

Sad
but true

Anyhow, for all these years, i've done everything to avoid thinking about the year past and all the things that i should've / could've/ shouldn't have done ...

It's not as though i wake up thinking 'whooo hooo it's my birthd .. nooo don't go there, don't do it ... where the scotch'
glugglug

But it just doesn't even register anymore
I've really and truly managed to forget

until ...
last monday morning

Wherupon i arrived at work to greeted with a chorous of
"Happy birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to yooooooooo"

Fluffy le perfid avait vendu la meche

"How many years old is that now ?"

and

"We would've bought a cake, but you know ... what with the number of candles that we'd've needed ... the fire brigade would've been working overtime"

Ha fuckin ha, bastards !!!!!!!!!!!

The secret is out,
by foul means

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

Times are hard ...


The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's,
and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies
and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico ..

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear
is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future,
that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan When I told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Cheers DRP ;@)

Christmas spirit ...

So, then, back to normal after the annual and perfid consumerfest break

Bounty and bonhommie towards our most hated is all finished for twelve months ...we can all leave the bunkers

And lo, through the darkyest of winter nytes, whyt commeth be ?
'Tis ye grande annonce of ye office sales fygers !?!

Yooohoooooo

A BONUS AND A BOX OF CHEAPO CHOCOLATES FOR ALL AND SUNDRY

My pimpled and spotty arse !!!!!!!

For the last quarter
(more like .. ahem ... the last eighteen months or so)
I've been having trouble breaking surface to breathe
whilst keeping the pay cheques of others afloat

I've had an on-going, everyday feeling
of breathing through a straw sized snorkel
trying to escape a shit filled swamp of turd infested waters

It turns out that Fluffy and Bonnàrien
have done sweet f.a

Boy is our perf' poor

These two idiots are just soooo unsuited to their jobs

In the meantime, to make matters unfeasibly worser than worse, Wafelty Twots have appointed a new 'CountryBossMan'

Lets' just say that to be english is to understand the import of 'floba loba lob lob'

Bill and Ben the flower pot men now run WorldCorp France

fucking hell ...

If weee-eed is fluffy, what does that make me ?

Pffft

As they say in France,
ça craint le boudin

Ca sent aussi le nuit des couteaux :/

What a sad old start to the year :
Pete Postlethwaite, Mick Karn and Gerry Rafferty all passing on at a young age

Three people who were all part of my growing up for goodness sake

I can't help but wonder who's next on the hit list ?

I won't be tempting fate, but there are sooo many people, so many 'icons' that've all had a good innnings

Aand quite a few that kinda make me think ''how in the hell is that one still alive to tell the tale ?''

Is TwentyEleven going to be a bumper harvest for the Grim Reaper ...

Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street

Japan - Ghosts

Taser : Instrument utilisé afin de mieux faire passer le courant entre la police et la jeunesse.

Où est donc mon Ricard ? : Conjonction de coordination (Où, et, donc, or, ni, car)

Mozart : Célèbre compositeur que l'on écoute le plus souvent dans les pizzerias car on sent bien que mozarella.

La mort : Première cause de décès dans le monde.

La beauté intérieure : Concept inventé par les moches pour pouvoir se reproduire.

Marée noire : Quand les poissons sont habillés par Diesel

Porte-clefs : Invention très pratique qui permet de perdre toutes ses clefs d'un coup au lieu de les perdre une par une.

Jardiland : Seul endroit où si tu prends trois râteaux, il y a une pelle offerte.

Cellulite : Couche graisseuse qui enveloppe souvent les femmes, mais emballe rarement les hommes....

Masochisme : Concept proche de la politesse - frapper avant d'entrer

Crever l'écran : Oublier de mettre la dragonne de la manette de jeu de sa Wii

David Guetta : Seul DJ qui mixe les mains en l'air

Etat : Système mafieux le mieux organisé de tous les temps

Match de l'équipe de France : Seul match de foot qui passe sur la chaîne comédie

Cravatte : Accessoire servant à indiquer la direction du cerveau de l'homme

Carla Bruni : Blanche-neige moderne ayant eu une préférence pour un des sept nains : Grincheux

Maison Blanche : Actuellement Barack noire

Le coiffeur : Seul endroit où les bleus peuvent espérer une coupe

Spermatozoïde : Meilleur ami de l'homme. La preuve, dès qu'on a une couille, il est là...

Voiture : Invention ingénieuse, permettant de contenir 110 chevaux dans le moteur et un âne au volant


Cheers Balaj :@)

Cadrage ...

Yoohoooo what a groovy Christmas !

As opposed to last year, i managed to stuff myself stoopid with tons and tons of ungodly and unhealthy heart attack fodder

Foie gras, smoked salmon, roast duck, stuffing, all manner of vegetables (all cooked in duck fat, just to be sure), mincemeat pies made with butter rich pastry, christmas pudding with lashings of cream, buckets of champagne drunk, nay, quaffed, with pure and unadulterated abandon

And a mighty fine time i had of it too

Enough hedonism

So here we are again at that period where we realise that we're all another year older and another year wiser .. euhh ... just plain older, dumber and maybe even a little uglier on the side

A time of year upon which to reflect on the good times, the bad times and our hopes and aspirations for the twelve months to come

Some people do truly pray and genuflect for peace on earth, richesse for all ... an end to poverty ... a wonder cure for hithero uncurable and unmentionable ailienating ailments and diseases

That's 'some people'

Me though, i'll just keep it simple, honest and personal :

Gimme all the sex, drugs and rock'n' roll as i can handle ;@)