How not to ...
... win friends and influence people
Buying it
Whilst waiting for a plane to Bologna from Stansted airport I went to the newsagent to ask for a Daily Telegraph.
Unfortunately and for no reason known to me, I said to the black assistant, "will you suck it for me!!"
Hot curry hell
My friends James and Julia were invited to a party thrown by another friend.
He'd just come back from India, and consequentially there was going to be an Indian theme to the whole affair.
James and Julia also thought it would be nice to invite another couple along as they vaguely knew the host as well and it would give them someone to talk to in case they didn't know anyone else there.
Come the evening of the party James dressed as Apache Indian, famed bangramuffin, and Julia got up as Clive of India (though my memory may be deceiving me there) knocked on the door of the eerily quiet party only to be greeted by the host, dressed perfectly normally.
The realisation only dawned when they were shown through to the living room to find a bunch of ethnic Indians earnestly tucking into an authentic Indian meal, and looking through the host’s photos from her trip.
None of them, of course, were in fancy dress.
To their extreme embarrassment was then surpassed however, as the next guests to arrive happened to be the couple they'd invited, both dressed as chickens, both wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the words Korma and Buna respectively.
Saying the wrong thing
Several years ago, I had a shit job at a motorway service station.
One busy Saturday afternoon I went for my lunch at the overcrowded restaurant.
I got a terrible chicken curry and went to find somewhere to sit.
Eventually I found a place next to an Asian family.
They didn't mind me sitting next to them, but as I sat down I noticed a colleague sitting alone close by.
What I said next was meant to be self-effacing, making fun of myself and my shit job (I was in uniform).
Smiling serenely, I got up and said, "I'll stick to my own kind".
I didn't realise what I'd said until I sat down again.
How to really upset your parents’ friends
Quite a few years ago, some friends of my parents came to stay with us. Things were pretty much normal to me and being very young, I did not realise and was not told that their three children, erm, suffered from learning difficulties.
No no, I cheerfully defeated them at kids Trivial Pursuit time and time again with carefree abandon.
But to this day I don't understand why I made them sit through an Agatha Christie film which featured an unfortunate young boy who was brain damaged at birth.
Even more incomprehensible was that during my explanation of the plot to them, instead of using sensible and PC words to describe the young boy's affliction I managed to put on a "special" voice and use the playground mime for "spackers" for further clarification.
I don't think they knew what I was on about but the pained/deeply insulted look on their parents' faces haunts me to this day.
I am going straight to hell.
Buying it
Whilst waiting for a plane to Bologna from Stansted airport I went to the newsagent to ask for a Daily Telegraph.
Unfortunately and for no reason known to me, I said to the black assistant, "will you suck it for me!!"
Hot curry hell
My friends James and Julia were invited to a party thrown by another friend.
He'd just come back from India, and consequentially there was going to be an Indian theme to the whole affair.
James and Julia also thought it would be nice to invite another couple along as they vaguely knew the host as well and it would give them someone to talk to in case they didn't know anyone else there.
Come the evening of the party James dressed as Apache Indian, famed bangramuffin, and Julia got up as Clive of India (though my memory may be deceiving me there) knocked on the door of the eerily quiet party only to be greeted by the host, dressed perfectly normally.
The realisation only dawned when they were shown through to the living room to find a bunch of ethnic Indians earnestly tucking into an authentic Indian meal, and looking through the host’s photos from her trip.
None of them, of course, were in fancy dress.
To their extreme embarrassment was then surpassed however, as the next guests to arrive happened to be the couple they'd invited, both dressed as chickens, both wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the words Korma and Buna respectively.
Saying the wrong thing
Several years ago, I had a shit job at a motorway service station.
One busy Saturday afternoon I went for my lunch at the overcrowded restaurant.
I got a terrible chicken curry and went to find somewhere to sit.
Eventually I found a place next to an Asian family.
They didn't mind me sitting next to them, but as I sat down I noticed a colleague sitting alone close by.
What I said next was meant to be self-effacing, making fun of myself and my shit job (I was in uniform).
Smiling serenely, I got up and said, "I'll stick to my own kind".
I didn't realise what I'd said until I sat down again.
How to really upset your parents’ friends
Quite a few years ago, some friends of my parents came to stay with us. Things were pretty much normal to me and being very young, I did not realise and was not told that their three children, erm, suffered from learning difficulties.
No no, I cheerfully defeated them at kids Trivial Pursuit time and time again with carefree abandon.
But to this day I don't understand why I made them sit through an Agatha Christie film which featured an unfortunate young boy who was brain damaged at birth.
Even more incomprehensible was that during my explanation of the plot to them, instead of using sensible and PC words to describe the young boy's affliction I managed to put on a "special" voice and use the playground mime for "spackers" for further clarification.
I don't think they knew what I was on about but the pained/deeply insulted look on their parents' faces haunts me to this day.
I am going straight to hell.
posted by Damiel | 4:36 PM
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