Blaguespotte
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly lady, in her mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
_________________________________________
An old guy had had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor got him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the oldie to hear 100%.
he goes back a month later to the doctor and the doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The oldie replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
_________________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two old guys were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other guy says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the other man.
He then turns towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
_________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
_________________________________________
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it." Well, I'd like some strawberries too, so write it down, so you won't forget it."
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After 20 minutes he brings his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
_________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
_________________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
_________________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
__________________________________________
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly lady, in her mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
_________________________________________
An old guy had had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor got him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the oldie to hear 100%.
he goes back a month later to the doctor and the doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The oldie replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
_________________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two old guys were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other guy says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the other man.
He then turns towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
_________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
_________________________________________
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it." Well, I'd like some strawberries too, so write it down, so you won't forget it."
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After 20 minutes he brings his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
_________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
_________________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
_________________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
__________________________________________
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Libellés : Jokes
posted by Damiel | 8:54 PM
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