Burger wars
Ever felt cheated ?

Blague du jour

Une petite expérience valant mieux qu'un long discours, un curé décide qu'une démonstration donnerait plus de poids à son sermon du dimanche.

Pour cela, il met quatre vers de terre dans quatre flacons :

- le premier ver dans un flacon d'alcool,
- le second dans un flacon plein de fumée de cigarette,
- le troisième dans un flacon de sperme,
- enfin le dernier, dans un flacon d'eau bien propre.

A la fin de son sermon, le pasteur donna les résultats de l'expérience :

Le ver dans le flacon d'alcool est mort.

Le second, dans le flacon plein de fumée de cigarette, est mort.

Le troisième, dans le flacon de sperme, est mort

Le dernier, dans le flacon d'eau bien propre, a survécu.

Le curé demande à l'assemblée : Quels enseignements pouvons-nous retirer de cette démonstration ?

On entend alors la voix d'une petite vieille du fond de l'église :

Tant qu'on boit, qu'on fume et qu'on baise, on n'aura pas de vers !

From the In-box

Toujours aussi fine


Pourquoi, lorsque qu'un bateau coule, crie-t-on "Les femmes et les enfants d'abord? "
- Parce qu'après, les requins n'ont plus faim


Savez-vous ce qui est le plus difficile dans un accouchement chez les gitans?
- C'est de faire sortir la guitare


C'est quand le Retour du Jedi ?
- Entre le mercredaille et le vendredaille


Qu'est-ce qui est vert et qui se déplace sous l'eau?
- Un choux marin


Deux chèvres sont sur un bateau : BABI et BABA. BABA tombe à l'eau. Que se passe-t-il ?
- BABA coule et BABI bêle


Comment ramasse-t-on la papaye ?
- Avec une foufourche


Pourquoi Dieu a-t-il créé l'orgasme ?
- Pour que les Italiens sachent quand il faut s'arrêter.


Qu'est-ce qui est petit, poilu, et qui roucoule au fond d'un garage ?
- Une portugaise qui aide son mari à garer la voiture (roucoule, roucoule).


Pourquoi les plongeurs plongent-ils toujours en arrière et jamais en avant ?
- Parce que sinon ils tombent dans le bateau

Attention, ça vient de mon In-Box

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From the in box

Désolé ;@)

Comment appelle-t-on un chauffeur de corbillard?
- Un pilote-décès

C'est quoi un canif?
- un petit fien.

... et une nife?
- f'est la maison du p'tit fien

Quel est le pluriel d'un coca?
- Des haltères (car un coca désaltère)

Qu'est-ce qu'une gousse d'ail jetée contre un mur qui revient ?
- C'est le retour du jet d'ail.

Pourquoi les marchands de savon font-ils fortune?
- Parce que leurs clients les savent honnêtes

D'après Elvis, il y a deux sortes d'OVNI, vous les connaissez ?
- L'OVNI tender et l'OVNI true.

Pourquoi les soeurs japonaises aiment-elles les Beatles ?
- Parce qu'elles sont jaunes les nonnes

Quelle est la couleur du virus de la grippe ?
- Gris pâle

Que fait un crocodile quand il en rencontre un autre ?
- Il l'accoste

Que s'est-il passé en 1111 ?
- L'invasion des Huns

Qu'est-ce qui fait 13,2 cm mais qui excite les femmes ?
- Un billet de 500 Euros

Redneck scrap book

I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, and she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, which is a mother and daughter Threesome.

I said no.
.
.
.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.
.
.
.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:


"Mom you still awake?"

" The Journey of a Man "

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion - so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional - everything was an emergency and she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring - she was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her- she rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
.
.
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I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Le Pen, Royal et Sarkozy frappent à la porte du paradis.

Saint Pierre les introduit auprès de Dieu qui, pour juger de leurs mérites leur pose une question sur leur foi :

"Jean-Marie, à quoi crois-tu ?"

" Je crois que la France sera sauvée"

"Très bien mon petit Jean-Marie viens t'asseoir à ma droite.Et toi, Ségolène, à quoi crois-tu ?"

"Je crois à tout ce que vous voulez, Seigneur, pourvu que vous votiez pour moi"

"Viens t'asseoir à ma gauche Ségolène A quoi crois-tu, toi, mon petit Nicolas ?"

"Heu ! je crois que vous êtes assis à ma place"
_____________________________________

Un couple se rend chez un sexologue pour une session de thérapie. L'homme demande :

"Nous désirons que vous nous surveilliez pendant que nous faisons l'amour"

Le sexologue accepte.

Quand le couple a fini, le sexologue leur demande 50 € en leur disant qu'il n'y a rien d'anormal dans leur relation.

Le couple se présente chaque semaine pendant un certain temps et a des relations sans problème et paie, chaque fois, 50 € en le quittant. Finalement le sexologue leur demande :

"Qu'est-ce que vous cherchez exactement ?"

L'homme lui dit :

"Nous ne cherchons rien.Elle est mariée et on ne peut pas aller chez elle, je suis marié et on ne peut pas aller chez moi.Le Holiday-Inn est à 100 €, le Hilton à 150 €. Nous le faisons ici pour 50 € et ma mutuelle me rembourse 45 € !!!"

Todays joke

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

At his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.


He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles.

The following Sunday all three came back to report on their sales.

Straight away the minister spoke to Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could".

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-d on't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was, W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t- to y-y-you??"

Joke of the day

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Paulie who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

"Very good" the nun said and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Paulie came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Paulie came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

La répartition des taches entre les hommes et les femmes

La saison des barbecues va bientôt commencer - à cet effet, il est de bon ton de se rappeler la procédure habituelle de cette cuisine estivale :

L'HOMME

L'homme sort le barbecue et le charbon de bois.

LA FEMME

La femme nettoie la grille.
La femme va à l'épicerie.
La femme va chez le boucher.
La femme va chez le pâtissier.
La femme prépare la salade et les légumes.
La femme prépare la viande pour la cuisson
La femme la place sur un plateau avec les ustensiles nécessaires, les épices et les herbes.
La femme apporte la grille propre et le plateau à l'homme qui est étendu à côté du barbecue en train de prendre une bière.

L'HOMME

L'homme place la viande sur la grille.

LA FEMME

La femme va à l'intérieur mettre la table.
La femme vérifie la cuisson des légumes.
La femme prépare le dessert.
La femme revient à l'extérieur pour dire à son mari que la viande est en train de brûler.

L'HOMME

L'homme enlève la viande trop cuite de sur la grille et l'apporte à la femme.

LA FEMME

La femme prépare les assiettes et les apporte sur la table.

L'HOMME

L'homme sert à boire.

LA FEMME

La femme dessert la table et prépare le café.
La femme sert le café et le dessert
Après le repas, la femme range la table et la nappe.
La femme fait la vaisselle et range la cuisine.

L'HOMME

L'homme laisse le barbecue en place car il y a encore des braises.
L'homme demande à la femme si elle a apprécié de ne pas faire la cuisine aujourd’hui... devant son air dubitatif, l'homme conclut que les femmes ne sont jamais satisfaites.

Fête de Noël

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The 2006 idiot awards

First place

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

_________________________________

Second place

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America .

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

_________________________________

Third place

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave them name and address of the robber -the guy was arrested two hours later.

From the in-box

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And t hen he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

__________________________________________

An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four Bar objects: - a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard hisson's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"