Today's joke

An oldie but goodie

A guy is flying over the Pacific when the plane starts to struggle .

Pretty quickly, the plane ditches into the sea but he manages to get out in time and swim to a nearby desert island.

When he comes round, he looks around the beach and sees that the only other survivor is a beautiful blonde woman who he realizes, to his amazement is Claudia Schiffer.

She is quite badly hurt but he nurses her back to health and in doing so, she falls in love with him.

Their life on the island is absolutely idyllic.
Its warm there is plenty of food and water and they spend their entire time shagging like bunny rabbits all over the island.
However, the guy begins to get grumpy and irritable.
Claudia can’t work out what is wrong.
“Tell me. You know I love you and will do anything to make you happy.”
“I can’t. You’ll think I’m weird”
“No really. I’ll do anything”
“Ok then. First of all, would you mind putting my clothes on?”
“Ok”
“Now would you rub some mud on your face, just round your chin as if you have a five o clock shadow?”
“Ok”
“Now could you sit on this rock and act like you are holding a pint in this hand and a fag in the other?”
“Ok”
“Right, now this is the important bit. Could you ask me in a really gruff deep voice what I have been up to?”
“Er..Ok. So what have you been up to?”

“YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GUESS WHO I’VE BEEN SHAGGING!”

From the in-box

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the World is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

From the in-box

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact her family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed.

"For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father".