Amy Winehouse - Back to black

I've got a terrible feeling that this summer is going to be as dire as it has been for the last two or three years

There seems to be a pattern emerging where we have two georgeous weeks during the month of May followed by crap weather - one of the sure fire signs is interrupted play during the french internationals : yesterday was ruined and so today they've had to cram in 163 matches !

On the up side, Raymond Domenech has announced a cracking team to take part in this year's footy jamboree ... which will hold no interest whatsoever for people living on the island just off to the north west of France :p

J-10

Blague du jour

Un couple de parisiens décide de partir en week-end à la plage et de descendre au même hôtel qu'il y a 20 ans, lors de leur lune de miel.

Mais, au dernier moment, à cause d'un problème au travail, la femme ne peut pas prendre son jeudi.

Il est donc décidé que le mari prendrait l'avion le jeudi, et sa femme le lendemain.

L'homme arrive comme prévu et après avoir loué la chambre d'hôtel, il se rend compte que dans la chambre, il y a un ordinateur avec connexion Internet.

Il décide alors d'envoyer un courrier à sa femme, mais il se trompe en écrivant l'adresse.

C'est ainsi qu'à Perpignan, une veuve qui vient de rentrer des funérailles de son mari mort d'une crise cardiaque reçoit l'email.

La veuve consulte sa boîte aux lettres électronique pour voir s'il n'y a pas de messages de la famille ou des amis.

C'est ainsi qu'à la lecture du premier d'entre eux, elle s'évanouit.

Son fils entre dans la chambre et trouve sa mère allongée sur le sol, sans connaissance, au pied de l'ordinateur.

Sur l'écran, on peut lire le message suivant :

A mon épouse bien-aimée,
Je suis bien arrivé.
Tu seras certainement surprise de recevoir de mes nouvelles maintenant et de cette manière. Ici, ils ont des ordinateurs et tu peux envoyer des messages à ceux que tu aimes.Je viens d'arriver et j'ai vérifié que tout était prêt pour ton arrivée, demain vendredi.

J'ai hâte de te revoir.
J'espère que ton voyage se passera aussi bien que s'est passé le mien.

P.S. : Il n'est pas nécessaire que tu apportes beaucoup de vêtements : il fait une chaleur d'enfer ici !

ça vient des archives, mais je viens de retomber dessus .. je l'adore ... surtout la mention "15 centimes de plus pour la bougie"
:D

Blague du jour II

Un fermier trouve son cheval malade. Il fait venir le vétérinaire. Ce dernier lui dit que le cheval est infecté par un virus et qu'il va prescrire un remède. Si le remède n'a pas agi dans les trois jours, il faudra abattre le cheval pour éviter d'infecter les autres animaux.

Le mouton de la ferme, qui a tout entendu, va trouver le cheval et lui dit : "Fais un effort, lève-toi!"

Mais le cheval est trop malade.

Le deuxième jour, même chose, le mouton dit au cheval : "Fait un effort, lève-toi!"

Mais le cheval est trop malade.

Le troisième jour, le mouton dit : "Fais un effort, lève-toi, sinon ils vont t'abattre aujourd'hui"

Le remède n'a toujours pas fait d'effet, mais dans un dernier sursaut, grâce aux conseils du mouton, le cheval arrive à se lever devant le fermier et le vétérinaire.

Le fermier, tout content, dit : "Pour fêter l'événement, on va égorger le mouton"

Moralité : Ne te mêle jamais de ce qui ne te regarde pas

Part I

I've been sooo tied up and tired out with a series of heavy projects that've been the bane of my pitiful little life for the whole of the first quarter

Y'know how it is, you get up, hit the train, get to work, stay there for ungodly hours, get home again, make the choice between eating / having a shower / ironing clothes for the next day, then go to bed only to get back up again later on :''(

Well ok ... i know i moan and groan and whinge and whine about my job, but even if i'm in a bit of a privileged position and i do get to meet different people who are generally lovely, the pay does indeed suck

Never the less, today, for the first time in a longtime, i feel as though i can at last see a glimmer of light

Which means, with a bit of luck, i might manage to post a bit more regularly ... maybe ... possibly

Part II

On the work front : MissusBossWoman's away some-where on holiday (spending her nice, fat 'n' juicy, end of year bonus, sans doute), Marge is as undiplomatic as ever, The Gorgone has gone away to hatch her DevilSpawn and BoyIdiot ....

... has been driving me quietly bonkers with his ambient noise and his general 'just being thereness' - he has to slam drawers shut instead of just gently and delicately sliding them closed. He mumbles incoherently whilst beating up hapless waste paper before crumpling it up and squishing it into a tight wad before putting it in the bin ... the most irritating thing is his taste in 'music' (popsoup i call it) which he blithely plays with the sound way up to 11 ... which is one notch higher than for us other mortals

I've had an insight though, in France we've a system of quotas where, as a means of reflecting every strata of society; companies must employ 'X' percent of a certain population.

I figure that my company (being all for equal opprtunities and all the rest of it) has decided to go for the quota of people who 'are just a few synapses short from being locked away in a nice padded cell' ... and i'm working next to him :'(

Part III

On the home front : the owners of my appartment - my piège à poules, as i affectionately call it - are having trouble trying to shift it

Either they're asking too much for it or the market is not too rocking hot (i've probably just unleashed the god of potential buyers onto my head just by writing that)

Whatever the case, in a sign of what i can only imagine to be of deepest desperation and trepidation, they've offered me a few bucks if i help them to sell it to the first unwitting pigeon

So far, out the most memorable visits that i've had, i've seen a couple (Brice & Delphine) where the guy's eyes lit up as soon as he walked in and his missus gave him a thump on the arm (it is a blokes place, after all) .. i've also seen some woman, Thérèse, ( who's looking for something for her wallflower of a daughter, Agathe -their visit lasted all of .. oooooohhhhhh ... 300 seconds !?!

Finally, yesterday, yes, sunday, arrived an old lady - Maryvone ( :@D ) ... like a fool i offered her 'real' (as opposed to ersatz) thé anglais ... who 'hummed' and 'ahhhd' because she wasn't sure where she was going to put her piano

No luck there then

In all honesty, since the end of last year, i've been saying to people that i wanted to move

There are three major reasons: although very atypique, the appartement has been very badly finished - you turn the lights on and the kettle starts to boil, kinda thing ... i'm not too keen on the quartier - even though there's a nice park, a good choice of shops and things, a métro just opposite ... it's verrrry noisy

But mainly because the rent is very high for what it 'is'

It's one thing to decide that you want to change, but if you feel that your hand is being forced ... well, y'know

signs

Joke of the day

More good clean stuff

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: No way - he's a geologist.

Dave: He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: Oh ! What's that then ?

Suit: I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: It's in a pond!

Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: How's that then?

Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: What's that then?

Dave: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: Nope

Dave: Well then, you're a wanker.

It feels like an age since i've been able to sit down, draw breath and winge and whine about 'stuff'

So here goes then *inhales deeply*

Here's a thing ...

Imagine this - it's sardine time in the crowded métro at eight in the morning, the trains are running late, people are getting flustered about the super-mega-important client that they just 'have to' meet ... those contracts that've gotta be signed right here, right now, today

In between the harrumping, the tut-tutting and the general incivility, people're a hustlin' and a bustlin' - everyone's giving somebody else a sly dead leg, an innocent poke in the ribs and a surruptitious scuff to the classy babes' Manolos

All are way too preoccupied about their own little inconsequentiel lives to worry about the pregnant chick with morning sickness squashed up by the door - i'm in no way better i hasten to add :'(

Whyfore ?

Where hath thou gone, peace and goodwill to all man ?

The answer is easy to behold

The passive-agressive refusniks have made their stand

They. will. not. be. moved.

By hook or by crook, they will not cede their god given right to get their fat Mac Donaldised, Vanilla lattés-with-a-sprinkle-of-equitable trade chocolate-to-go-light asses out of the seats that we call 'strap ons'

(cut your smirking there at the back of the class ..you know who you are)

The carriage could be as crowded as a ... a ... a ... an overly crowded thing, but the four dickheads next to and beside of you will not budge a dodammned inch ... uniquely out of principle (not unless you scream 'watch outttttt, there's an un-pasturised cheese bagel topped with non gmo bacon strips on the loose)

Bastids !!!

But I have been touched by tha grace of gawd

The evangile according to Damiel 8:20:05

" Ô hear me ô my people !

When i say :

Raise him above you, for he be few amongst us.

Lift him unto the light of our Lord the Saviour in rapturous extasy so that they may be reborn again and that they may show shame for his selfish aims.

Raise him up by all sides, untoward the place that awaits them - the coldest, dankest, trouser spoilingest piece of concrete ever beknownst to mankind that is the platform of redemption ..

... at the next station ye shall cast him assunder ...

... for the path of the sanctimonious arsehole is beset on all sides by antiquités and the shellfish and the petomanie of other unthinking idiots.

Blessed is he who in the name off relinquishing his seat, shepheards the weak-kneed into the shadow of WorldCorp for he is is truly his comrades' watchdog and the finder of lost métro tickets

I will strike him down, with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to make stand my fellow passangers from seating themselves

And you will know my name as the extremely annoyed one when i lay my own knee upon thee..

... euhhhhh ...

... and so says the holy spirit ...

Ahhhmmmennnnnn"

Hmm ... that's what i say, me

I've gotta stop watching South Park

:@ )

signs

Joke of the day

More classy stuff ;@)

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
______________________________________

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.

The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.

All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.

The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

"Why?" asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
______________________________________

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side and said :

"When I got married to your mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.

I said to her, "Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".

Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".

"Exactly" Jack replied "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that".

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack. So Jill said "Exactly, and if you don't change your friggin' attitude, you never will!"

Long pouty faces and much huffing and puffing on les Champs today - some of us unlucky people had to go to work on what is supposed to be the Pentecote bank holiday

Ever since 2002 when squillions of old people keeled over and died during that year's heat wave, the governement decided that one of the May bank holidays would simply be 'cancelled'

That we the people should go to work for n.o.t.h.i.n.g as asign of solidarity

That all of the money earned on that day would disappear into the grimy pockets of the slave driving employers be used to fund some kind of kitty for the wrinkly people

We've all been sold a dummy

This is my park as i step out of my front door, i'm there, smack bang in the middle of it

I've spent the last two days lazing around in the sun, having ice cream dropped on me by toddlers and reading ... yup, turning over real paper pages

It's been a long time since i've allowed my-self to delve into a well written, unsettling, 'mad' yet funny book about 'psychological warfare' ...*read it, read it, read it : you won't be decieved*

A lot of (the better) companies that i've worked with over the years have always asked their employees to throw the rule book out of the window, forget everything that they've been taught, to think 'out of the box', so to say, and design their new, ideal, company on a blank page

All cool and dandy ... very 1990's and Tom Peters business guru type stuff.. if you latch onto it all as a middle manger you've got it made and the world is your lobster

But ...

What happens when the 'company' concerned doesn't have margins, cutbacks and pnl constraints to worry about ?

What happens if the 'company' is actually the u.s gouvernment ?

What happens when Vietnam vets with ptsd are employed as agents for change ?

Where the mentors have psychopathic tendancies ?

Where the federal agencies adopt ideas, but do things 'back to front ?

Abu Grahib is the visible manifestation, but it is neither the start nor the end of things

Extract from The men who stare at goats

Glenn leant forward in his chair. "you've gone from the front door to the back door. How many chairs are ther in my house ?"

There was silence.

"you probably can't tell me how many chairs are in my house," said Glenn

I looked around.

"A super soldier wouldn't need to look," he said. "He would just know"

"A super soldier ?" I asked

"A super soldier," said Glenn. " A Jedi Warrior. He would know where all the lights are. He would know where all the power outlets are. Most people are poor observers. They haven't got a clue about what's really happning around them."

"What's a Jedi Warrior ?" i asked.

"You're looking at one," said Glenn

In the mid-1980's, he told me, Special Forces undertook a secret initiative, codenamed Project Jedi to create super soldiers - soldiers with superpowers. One such power was the ability to walk into a room and instantly be aware of every detail; that was level one.

"what was the level above that ?" I asked.

"Level two," he said. "Intuition. Is there some way we can develop you so that you make correct decisions ? Somebody runs up to you and says, "there's a fork in the road. Do we turn left or right?" And you go' - Glen snapped his fingers - ' "we go right" '

"what was thet level above that ?" I asked

"Invisibilty", said Glenn

"Actual invisibility ? " I asked

" At first," said Glenn. "But after a while we adapted it to just finding a way of not being seen"

"In what way ?" I asked

"By understanding the linkage between observation and reality, you learn to dance with invisibilty," said Glenn. "If you're not observed, you are invisible. You only exist if someone sees you"

"So, like camouflage? " I asked.

"No," sighed Glenn

"How good are you at invisibility ?" I asked

"Well," said Glenn, "I've got red hair and blue eyes, so people tend to remember me. But i get by. I'm alive today."

"What was the level above invisibility ?" I asked

"Uh", said Glenn. He paused for a few moments. Then he said, "We had a master sergeant who could stop the heart of a goat."

There was silence. Glenn raised an eyebrow.

"Just by..." I said

"just by wanting the goat's heart to stop," said Glenn

Long week-end (part I)

Long week-end (part II)

No, no, don't be fooled by the photo above : i'm still in Paris ;)

What better way to make the most of the absolutely gorgeous weather and the few days off that i've taken, than to go for a stroll around bits of Paris that i don't really know - which means pretty much most of it

My first aim was to take in the the park in Bercy

So imagine, i was sitting in the métro, thinking about how i'd be in the sun, at the rose garden, letting the scent of the fresh blooms wash over me ... it just didn't occur to me that maybe, just maybe, it was a wee bit too early in the season - d!oh

No flowers = no photos :'(

Long week-end (part III)

Feeling like a juvenile eegit for not realising that one beautiful day does not a summer make, i headed down the river in search of something to eat

It has to be said here, that my own personal peché mignon is, always has been, and always will be, a good old fashioned chicken kebab (which has been left out to congeal on the counter in the baking sun all day, at no extra price) with fries .. i'm capable of trudging kilometres to get a decent one

I do confess, dear solitary reader with a gastronomic heart, i ceded to the most basest, crassest and unholiest of temptations ..

The hunger pains were *that* bad

Against the better judgement of all ...

I flanched...

For on the horizon i spied ...

The french equivalent of

The golden arched one that is M** ******'s

strike me down oh lord of la bonne bouffe

I've not been to one of those joints for many years ( mrm any one ? ) and instantly remembered why

I was served with the most grimmest, mankiest, mingingest, gloopiest, sleasiest, skankiest of salads that has ever blessed the eyes of mankind ... a 'salad' that would force any vegeterian to make the choice between rancid et fetid houmous, a bacon sandwich or death - i know what i'd choose (oink oink)

A few weeks ago, Italien sandwich makers would've been consternated to see their competitors throwing such delicate morcels unto the streets of an uncleansed Rome

I will charitably pass over the abomination that was the wilting and unsalted 'fries'

Long weekend .. part .. whatever

That's one helluva sinister looking dude, non ?

I was walking over the parvis at Notre Dame on my way to elsewhere .. i hadn't figured out where i was going after my nausiating brunch type thang

Amongst the swarming tourists and the young studenty type musicians playing 'Tequila' in a casse tête stylie, i noticed people thronging around 'something of interest'

T'was Birdman !! (cue super hero music)

I dunno, perhaps it's me, but your average pervy in dark shades should have a sign reading 'wanna see my pupies' .. or .. ... but bits of stale bread !??!... like whatever

Anyhow, over in a corner, near a bush type affair there was yer man, with pockets stuffed full of bread

To judge by his 'performance', he must be a regular in the sense that he knew just what to do to entice unsuspecting birdies to eat from his hands and from his mouth (i couldn't help but think of chicken pie for dinner, s'cuse me)

Long weekend .. part .. pffttt

As listless as a cloud (ahh how poétique) i made my way over to Boulevard St Germain - ostensibly to have a beer and to check out the pretty young things ;@) - where i stumbled on a series of billboards 'commemorating' - i'm not too sure if it's really the right turn of phrase - the events of May '68






Paris town hall has commisioned an exposition by the photographe
Marc Riboud who was responsible for the untreated images that made it out to the world wide press .. an unsung hero of photoreportage

An un-imbeded/ beded (with a bit of luck) reporter

I'ts very iconic stuff

I particularly luurve the old lady taking her dawg out for it's nighly poop being confronted by a well-meaning rabble

But .. as history tells us blood was spilt, illusions were shattered and par la suite reputations were built

Could the same thing happen today ?

As much as we would all like to dream it and given the current climate,the short answer is : N.O

For a very simple, soul depressing, reason : the profile of those who rioted forty years ago is the same as those who voted for the poison dwarf last year

The same tail-between-the-legs 'staus quo' as before - les p'tits Sarkzoistas

ohh mon dieu :'(