joke spot

Monday joke spot

Straight from the in-box ... so heuuuum ... not very politically correct ..

An Amish family of father, mother and son were in the big city for the first time, never having left their small village previously.

After wandering about the city looking in wonder at all the new things, they finally entered a large department store. The mother went off to do some shopping.

Meanwhile, the father and son were watching the lifts in fascination, wondering what they were and what they did. They watched as the metal doors opened and watched an old, frumpy looking lady get into the small room inside, then watched the metal doors shut.

Then they watched in awe as the lights above the lift doors lit up one by one, from "1" through to "8", then reversed and lit back one by one to "1" again. Then the metal doors opened and out from the small room stepped a young, beautiful woman.

After a few seconds of silence, the father said to his son quietly, "Son, go get your mother..."

__________________________________

A Chinese man who doesn't speak much English applies for a job with a construction company.

"Do you know carpentry?" asked the employer.
"No," answered the Chinese man.
"Do you know plumbing?" asked the employer.
"No," replied the Chinese man.
"Do you know bricklaying?"
"No."
"Well, I'm short of staff and really need people, so maybe I can put you in charge of supplies."
"Okay!" The Chinese man beamed with delight.

A week later, the employer realised he hadn't seen the Chinese man since he hired him.

As he walked around the site, he wondered if perhaps the guy had quit work.

Suddenly, from around the corner jumped the Chinese man with a squirt gun.
.
.
"Supplies!" he yelled

__________________________________

A guy is flying over the Pacific when the plane starts to struggle .

Pretty quickly, the plane ditches into the sea but he manages to get out in time and swim to a nearby desert island.

When he comes round, he looks around the beach and sees that the only other survivor is a beautiful blonde woman who he realizes, to his amazement is Claudia Schiffer.

She is quite badly hurt but he nurses her back to health and in doing so, she falls in love with him.

Their life on the island is absolutely idyllic.
Its warm there is plenty of food and water and they spend their entire time shagging like bunny rabbits all over the island.
However, the guy begins to get grumpy and irritable.
Claudia can’t work out what is wrong.
“Tell me. You know I love you and will do anything to make you happy.”
“I can’t. You’ll think I’m weird”
“No really. I’ll do anything”
“Ok then. First of all, would you mind putting my clothes on?”
“Ok”
“Now would you rub some mud on your face, just round your chin as if you have a five o clock shadow?”
“Ok”
“Now could you sit on this rock and act like you are holding a pint in this hand and a fag in the other?”
“Ok”
“Right, now this is the important bit. Could you ask me in a really gruff deep voice what I have been up to?”
“Er..Ok. So what have you been up to?”

“YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GUESS WHO I’VE BEEN SHAGGING!”